I think one reason that I haven't improved too much in my e.d. mentally is because I am so attached to it. I have been ana for so long that it is just a major part of who I am and I am embedded in my ana thoughts. They come, unbidden. Lately, I eat much much much better. a) I actually eat. b) I eat healthy. Protein, healthy carbs, healthy fats, etc. But I eat more because I NEED to than because I WANT to. I only taste food a little. Just enough to know if it is still good (not expired like a bad strawberry or something) and whether or not I like the taste of the food or not (i.e. V8).
At my niece's 1st Birthday Brunch, there was a big Elmo birthday cake, a box of cookies, a box of donuts number ones, etc. Although most everyone was at one end of the table, I sat clear on the other side so I could be next to the fruit basket. This fruit basket unfortunately also contained chocolate-dipped fruit as well. I put one on my plate. Just for show, you know? I found myself staring at it, rather repulsed. So I'm eating my fruit, admiring my beautiful little Arielle, dressed in her Little Miss Birthday shirt, when my sister-in-law, asks me if I've tasted the donut 1 yet. "It's delicious!" she exclaimed. "You should try it. It's okay to treat yourself sometimes, Linds." I slowly and silently count to three before answering. "No thanks. I'm not really a donut person. You should try this fruit! So fresh and juicy!" She is staring at me a little. Or maybe I imagine she is. Either way, I pick up the chocolate fruit on my plate and take a big bite. "Besides I am treating myself. Chocolate fruit!" She grins, nods, and turn away. When her back is turned I pick up my napkin and spit out most of it and take a deep swig of milk. SO not worth it, I think, The chocolate definitely ruins it. I nervously glance around. No one noticed. Mom is talking to Rachel. Brett is feeding Arielle. My sister-in-law is eating her donut and talking with my brother who is getting up from the table to go watch some game on TV. Uncle Mel and Aunt Muriel are eating their desert in the family room where some spors game is about to start. I already had eaten a lot of fruit and there is a lot of the chocolate-covered fruit left over. I gingerly pick one off the stick and, with my fingers and a fork, pry off the chocolate part. Ah. Nice clean apple underneath. Much better.
I can't really imagine life without my e.d. Yet, because I now weight train, I recognize the need to be healthy. On the other hand, some sick part of me kind of likes the mean ana voice. Maybe because she helps me to reject the foods that will make me fat. Or properly scolds me once I've accidentally eaten trigger foods. Maybe because my ana voice sounds an awful lot like my mom and I love her even though she criticizes me all the time. I LIVE with my mom and she's a HUMAN freakin' TRIGGER. You can't get away from her if you wanted! Well, anyway, sometimes it's just easier to just take it. You know? Fighting this thing is THE hardest thing ever. The mind-set is the most difficult part. As long as I eat like I've been lately - healthy - and don't go back to being _ _ lbs. with no period, this is good. Who cares if I still mentally abuse myself if I eat cake like once every five years!? I don't because I don't like cake! Dessert (the sweet, decadent type) is more like a force-feeding for me than something I enjoy. Because I KNOW that later I will regret it. I will probably weigh myself over and over so I can see exactly what I've done to myself. Step on, wait. Step off. Let the scale shut off. Turn scale on. Step on, wait. Step off. Me? Extreme? Nah! I don't know where my parents get these crazy ideas. lol
I would LoVe feedback to all this. So Please Please Please comment! I need to talk WITH someone. Thanks for reading.